TMU squatter to be extradited to Los Santos

A Toronto judge has ruled that a man who claimed squatter’s rights on the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) will be extradited to the United States.  

Trevor Philips has been living in a trailer in Pitman Quad for six weeks, causing an uproar from faculty and students alike. A joint task force of campus security and the Toronto Police Force (TPS) arrested Philips after rejecting his claims to squatter’s rights. 

Philips has several arrest warrants issued by the city of Los Santos on charges including drug trafficking, murder, kidnapping, involvement in organized crime, armed robbery, illegal possession of a firearm, identity theft, animal cruelty, terrorist activity, sexual impropriety, indecent exposure, vandalism and grand theft auto. 

“Trevor Philips is perhaps the most depraved criminal I have ever encountered,” said San Andreas Attorney General Lisa Fernandez. “I apologize to the people of Los Santos for winning his extradition case.” 

Philips represented himself in court. Much of his case rested on the fact that he is a Canadian citizen by birth. 

“I played U-18 for this goddamn country,” said Philips in his defense. “Suck my fat, hairy [redacted].” 

Philips neglected to mention he was let go from the team after assaulting his coach with a hockey stick. Prosecutors jumped on this and Philips’ outburst led him to being held in contempt of court. 

Following the extradition ruling Philips gave a brief interview with the press. 

“Move me and I’ll just keep crawling back, like the respectable cockroach. I heard York has a good squatting climate. You can't keep me down forever you fascist pigs, Trevor-goddamn-Philips always comes out on top.” 

Philips’ trailer has already been repossessed by Los Santos impound lot owner Lamar Davis.