Ontarians give toxic boyfriend just one more chance

The people of Ontario have collectively agreed to let their toxic situationship Doug Ford back into their lives.

The province’s affair with the elder Ford brother began in 2018 when they elected a Progressive Conservative (PC) majority government.

Since then, Ford has lied, cheated and talked down to Ontarians, but they just can’t seem to quit his endearing charms.

“He’s not that bad,” said Leslie Drew, a PC supporter from the Windsor-West riding.“Sometimes he says stuff he doesn’t really mean, like that we should bring back the death penalty, but he’s got a good heart.” 

Voter from Sarnia-Lambton, Jonathan Lee, spoke about why he felt Ford deserved another chance.

“He’s a big, strong man, and I don’t think the people of Ontario could get by without one,” said Lee. “I just don’t want to be alone.”

In one of his many texts to voters, Ford sent this message: 

“Babe, I know I can be rough around the edges. The reason I say you can’t have bike lanes is just because I’m protective. I don’t want those bloated streets ruining your figure. And you always said I was a deadbeat, but you got my cheques? Doesn’t that mean anything to you? TEXT ‘PC’ IF IT DOES!”

Scarborough Centre PC supporter Mohamed Sultana voted for Ford in the past two elections. He considered other options this time around, but ultimately came crawling back to Ford. 

“He’d always be out late. He said he was with his ‘campaign donors,’ but I knew what that really meant. It was that skank, Galen,” said Sultana. “Or he’d be at the bar drinking with his developer friends. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Sultana said he voted for Ford because he couldn’t see a better option.

“I mean, I’m not getting back with the Liberals again,” he said.

When asked about the New Democratic Party, Sultana claimed he “just saw them as a friend.”