Mold-borne STI discovered in Pitman Hall

Sexual health clinics around campus have reported an alarming new condition detected in Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students. 

“We have had many students coming in concerned about their reproductive organs,” said Ariel Gupta, a public health nurse who works with the No Judgement Mobile Care Team. “I have worked in treating sexual health for almost ten years and I’ve never seen anything like this. 

Gupta says that students began coming to them with discoloured genitals resembling frostbite, a raised or bumpy texture and occasional slimy secretions. 

“None of the usual treatments were effective, so we had to reach out to our research partners,” said Gupta.  

Once the researchers got to work they discovered one thing that all the students had in common: sexual activity in Pitman Hall. 

“After we figured out that Pitman was involved everything got a lot clearer,” said Allan Sigmeund, a biologist who worked on the project. “The building is known to have a very powerful black mold infestation going on for 30 years. It’s possible that during that time it mutated.” 

Lab tests for an undiscovered strand of black mold came back positive. 

“If you look past how disgusting it is it’s a major scientific revelation,” said Allan. “Pitman Hall is the breeding ground for a new type of airborne parasitic mold that feeds off of nutrient-rich fluids common during… intercourse.” 

Students who have contracted the mold are less enthusiastic about the scientific revelation. 

“I have to treat myself with fungicide,” said a student who requested anonymity. “That shit burns!”  

They continued, “Why couldn’t it have been syphilis?”