How to spend your $200 from Doug Ford

Featured image by Sarah Grishpul

This story appears in our November 2024 print issue: Abnormal School Goes to The Polls

Big daddy Doug has slid into our collective DMs and sent us brokies a little bit of cash! Here’s our financially-proven ways to spend your $200 taxpayer rebate!

1. In the hospital waiting room

There are so many opportunities to spend money while you’re waiting to get your shoulder popped back into place after that harrowing snowmobiling accident (who knew the treads would get stuck on the grass like that). You can get a Clif! Bar from the vending machine, bribe the doctors for opioids or check out our next entry 

2. Online gambling

Before I blew out my shoulder on the snowmobile I saw an ad on the side of a bus that said that BetMGM has smoking hot live dealers and I can cash out anytime. I’ve never played poker before but they say that 99 per cent of people quit before they win big so it’s looking pretty good for me. 

3. Down at the horse track 

If the Doug stays in power, it’s looking like Woodbine Track will get better funding than public schools (who needs ‘em). My money’s on George-Ketamine or Adeliciousaussiesanger. 

4. Protective biking gear

Helmet? Check. Knee pads? Check. Gloves? Check. Elbow pads? Check. Padded shorts? Check. Kevlar vest? Check. Traditional Japanese dō-maru? Check. Beretta 3032 Tomcat? Check. You’re ready to go to the welfare office.

5. Trip on the 407

What’s better than a reasonably-priced trip down Canada’s largest private highway! Enjoy seven wide lanes all to yourself apart from one white Tesla going 160 km/h on autopilot.

6. Groceries because my union is on strike again

So you had the audacity to ask your employers for a living wage and working hours that aren’t zero or 56? You’re asking way too much. Why can’t you just learn to be happy with what God “done gave you”? I hope a scab kneecaps you. And you deserve it too, you commie scum. 

7. Ticket to Kyla Ford’s stag and doe

Want to rub elbows with property developers?  Meet the political dynasty that got Americans to pay attention to us for once? All it costs is a thousand dollar ticket. If Grandma Ford can’t afford it, she wasn’t important enough. I really hope Kyla’s cookie business is catering!