Hot water outage at DCC causes catastrophe for the three students who shower

Is it just me or does it smell like wrongdog in here?

Catastrophe struck the Daphne Cockwell Complex (DCC) this month as tenants were shocked to learn of a hot water outage within the building. 

This outage reportedly began in the end of August though it was not reported to DCC maintenance until last week when one brave student, who actually showers, decided to speak up. 

DCC resident and first-year fashion student, Anita Wosh, noticed the issue when she first moved in after classes had already begun.

“I went to take a shower after my first night scalping some Xannies outside the SLC, when I noticed that only cold water was coming from the shower head,” said Wosh.

After reporting this problem to DCC maintenance staff, two other brave students stepped forward, first-year music student Khaleen Mi and first-year dance student Dawn Calgon. 

“I just wanted to take a hot shower, get into bed, and scroll on TikTok for four hours before falling asleep, but the DCC had other plans for me,” said Mi. 

“Not only was the water colder than the greeting at the front desk, there was no pressure too,” Calgon stated. 

“How am I supposed to masturbate now?” Mi added. 

After further investigation Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) concluded that within the DCC only 0.931677019 per cent of students actually shower. 

“Within the DCC we’ve come to the conclusion that the 3 students that came forward are the only students who actually shower here,” said DCC Head of Maintenance and Co-President of the self-titled “Cockwellers Union”, Ben Washen. 

The same study suggests that DCC has the highest shower frequency levels of all the TMU residences. 

The Abnormal School reached out to those surveyed in search of why people prefer to stink. First year engineering student Francis Snell responded by saying, “people used to ask Albert Einstein the same question.” Snell refused to elaborate further. 

TMU President Mohamed Lachemi was pressed for comment in a news conference Thursday. 

“In all fairness, I was under the impression we stopped spending money on students a long time ago,” said Lachemi. When asked a follow-up question regarding the possible lice outbreak at DCC he responded, “Offset was sick as hell though right?” Hell yeah it was, Mohamed.

Though the study remains unclear as to why students are not showering, one theory seems to be that it’s due to the newest TMU campus craze “depression.”

“Depression? I thought that was just a fancy word for feeling ‘bummed out’,” Lachemi commented.